All about a Relationship

To describe a relationship, let’s use 2 people. We can call them Laila and Majnu. These two dark-haired sexy boneheads have a natural attraction to each other. When they want to be together, what is this called? A relationship!

I have had a few bad relationship experiences in the past, so have decided to impart my knowledge on the more fortunate, so they never have to go through what I have.

The rituals involved in courting are very complicated, so bear with me.

Male Courtship
There are three main forms of Male courtship rituals:

• The male will become friends with the female, a difficult concept to master which involves becoming friends with everyone she knows, talking to her a lot, spending time with her and doing a lot of stupid girly things without ever losing your masculinity (a difficult feat by anyone's standards). Then at the appropriate time the male will ask the female out on a date/night of sex, and she will either accept him, or laugh in his face and sever all friendship bonds with the male, this is a risky strategy with a lot to lose.

• The male will walk up to a woman and try to impress her, and following which, ask her out on a date/night of sex, in which she will 9 times out of 10 reject him, the benefit of this strategy is that it requires very little effort, and it allows one night stands to take place, for the shallower people.

• The male stalks the female until she gives in and agrees to go on a date with him, this almost never works and should only be attempted be the deranged and the truly desperate.

Female Courtship
   There are three typical forms of female courtship as well, and they are as follows:
    A: The Female will attempt to seduce the male, by looking as hot as possible while still making sure their intention is clear, and as long as the female is good at looking hot, and the male is not in some form of couple himself (sometimes even if he is) this will almost always work.
    B: The female will try to dominate the male, and show a really strong personality, this only works on weak minded men and men who like that, so is unlikely to produce any worthwhile males (i.e. males that they would want to go out with)
    C: The female, gets the male interested using either of the two above techniques, and gets him totally smitten, then, when she has his full attention, she pretends not to be interested. No-one knows why they do this, because it causes an awful lot of confusion and sometimes decreases the male's level of interest. But they keep doing it none the less.
Now that you've courted your partner I assume you have a date, but listen; There are 11 main unspoken rules when it comes to dating, these rules are of cause different for men and women, and for a successful date with all your dignity intact at the end of it, you must follow all of them.

The Males Rules

1. Never hurt your partner in ANY way or you are in for it.
2. Always make sure your partners pockets are full of money, even if yours aren’t.
3. Constant flattery done in a tasteful way.
4. Listen to your partner!!!-I know, its awful isn’t it-!!! A good listener is one that is always thinking about something else.
5. Don’t talk about sex, until she does (which is never, unless she is gagging for it, which if she is good enough to go out with is never).
6. HAVE A CAR!!
7. When she says don't bother with the movie tickets, she is BULLSHITTING (its a common female trait, get use to it!)
8. Never look at any other woman in "that way"
9. Dress well at all occasions
10. Never EVER EVER brag about what you have done!!!!!
11. Don't tell her that you love her by the end of the first date! That's a bummer.
12. Wear cologne, I know it sounds gay, but it works.

The Female Rules

1. Be “untamed” with your partner, it doesn’t matter if he gets a bit hurt.
2. Always try to use up all your partners money, otherwise he will think you are holding back, or worse, will bring less next time.
3. Always pretend to enjoy his flattery, even if it is tasteless and badly delivered.
4. Talk to your partner, n don't get too offended about where his eyes keep going, (but make sure it is appetizing and revealed enough to make him do so
5. Don’t talk about sex, until he does (which if he does, you should look offended and either dump him, or come close).
6. DON’T HAVE A CAR!
7. Accept all your partners cheep crummy gifts at face value, not what it is really worth (which is nothing).
8. Look at other men in “that way” to keep your partner on his toes
9. Dress well at all occasions (and use a lot of makeup unless directed otherwise, then use more).
10. Always ALWAYS ALWAYS tell others what he does (i.e. bad habits, and the like)
11. When he says "I love you" pretend not to notice how forced it is.

If you follow these simple easy to use rules, then your partner will not dump you (even if it is advisable that you two break up immediately).

Breaking Up

Once you have had about as much as you can take of your chosen (or in some cases forced) "partner" then it becomes time for one of you to harshly dump the other.

There are four main methods of breaking up; these are the same for male and female

1. Harshly - Typical examples: "you’re dumped" or "no more nights of hot sex for YOU again."
2. Gently - Typical examples: "I think we should see other people" or "I’ve met someone else" (when of course you haven't met someone else, you just got bored of having sex with one guy/girl.)
3. Reverse-Psychology - Typical example: "It's not you, it's me."
4. Telling the Truth - NOTE: only use as a last resort. Typical example: "My heart belongs to the sea."
5. Fake insanity. Not overly difficult for somepeople,but never fails to make the other back away. lines such as: I ate a weevil for lunch, or i think it's time i came out of the freezer, or weird sounds related to unearthly shrieks, deep maniacal giggles, ahhhhhhhgggggggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

POST RELATION TORTURE

     The guy is never trusting of the girl again and is constantly irritated by them wanting to be friends or taking liberties as if you were still going out, although stop as soon as you ask for something in return and act offended at the idea. And as if it weren't bad enough, they constantly try to trick you back into a relationship, or simply believe any half-crazed accusation about you and spread it Also the guy becomes the subject of continuous humourless jokes be the girl and her friends, these jokes continuously get made and as far as I have had experience they never end.

So I hope I have helped you people out there to realize that long term relationships are a mistake in almost all cases, so short term relationships (also known as spontaneous sex, one night stands and free love) have fun people.

Its Time

The first rewinded example of Time was found in a number spoken by Billie Piper in 1873, in which she described being early for a breakfast party. Unfortunately she was never given any cash for this discovery until long after her death in 1654.
 Einstein put a lot of pepper into trying to find the sauce of time and to try and collect time itself. He used an apparatus similar to an empty hourglass which collected time in the bottom. Unfortunately, before Einstein finished his experiment, his pet cat, Mr. Tiggles, knocked the hourglass over and this time was released.


A Brief history of time
Time can be divided into 10 distinct periods.


The Caveman Period
And the LORD hath sayeth, "Let there be man and boy, and let them attempt to populate the land that I hath createth." And so was created Oscar Wilde and some blonde boy named Chad. And they had sexual relations and had 16,384 children, somehow, thus creating the first country, Chad. Chad (the boy) banished Oscar Wilde to the barren wastelands of  and the family left Chad (the country) becuase there is NOTHING in Chad. Except for diseases like Aids and other STD's. They fled to Egypt to seek a more productive life because Chad had NOTHING. This period of time was known as the Caveman Period, but is considered incorrect because they did not live in caves as there are no caves in Chad. As a matter of fact, there is NOTHING in Chad.
The Egyptian Period
And so Chad, who had grown up, and his family lived in Egypt and built pyramids for unknown reasons. Many scientists suggest that they were used to store topaz or possibly urine samples, but the general concensus is that they were built as a monument to the god of the Rain, because it doesn't rain in Egypt. Or Chad. Actually, there is NOTHING in Chad. By now the population was around 100,000 and a bird.
The Greek Period
The Greek Period began when Chad and some of his descendants sailed across the Mediterranean Sea of Pee and founded Greece. Greece is actually a corruption of the Chaddish word Grease, which is the only thing the Greeks had for lube. However, the discovery of lube brought about the discovery of homosexuality which became a popular pastime in Greece. Chad died of homosexuality on December 25th, 1 A.D. which coincidentally coincided with the birth of Jesus and the invention of Christianity. All this turmoil threw time into the Dark Ages, or the Medieval Period.
The Medieval Period
The Medieval Period was begun by Pope Asparagus I who outlawed homosexuality. This enraged many people and birds and especially Satan. This created the Crusades. Once the Homosexuals found the Holy Grail, the Crusades ended and the Pope melted. The end of the Medieval Period gave rise to the Renaissance Period.
The Renaissance Period
The Renaissance began when the ways of ancient Greece were revived. This is why many nude statues were made during that time. It is also common knowledge that Michelangelo was gay. When Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean yellow and discovered Texas, everyone began relocating to Texas for unknown reasons. This lead to the Cowboy Period.
The Cowboy Period
It is common knowledge that everyone in West is a cowboy now they are bikers.  The cowboys rode around on their horses and often each other until the Nazis declared war on them.
The Nazi Period
The Nazis, led by Hitler, fought the cowboys because were jealous of the cowboys' hats. The French tried to defend the cowboys in battle but of course lost every battle. The unfortunate defeat of the cowboys led to the Female Period.
The Female Period
The Female Period lasted about five days and was the most terrible era in history, characterized by the dreaded PMS, or Poop-in-the-Mail Service.
The Modern Period
The Modern Period began with the invention of bubble warp in England and the reincarnation of Chad. Also electricity was discovered, but that is less important. We currently live in the Modern Period. Chad got a job as a lifeguard in his spare time. 
The Apocalyptic Period
The Lost boys tell us that the world will end when Manmohan singh says shut up to sonia gandhi. However, we can rest assured that this will not happen for a very, VERY long time.



Bad Things about Time
Time is a mass murderer. It has killed more people than any other entity, other than perhaps Bin Laden or George Bush. A reward of 100000000 has been placed on the head of time. This is metaphorically explored in the film The curious case of benjamin button
Time is probably tough and indestructible. I tell ya I ain't never seen anybody go up against time and make it out of the OK Corral alive.


Good Thing about Time
F***...
Time is a mass murderer. It has killed more people than any other entity, other than perhaps Bill Gates.
The recent discovery of the first cuboid planet has provided strong evidence that time is brown.
If time is money, and time is just the fourth dimension of space, considering the entire universe... HOLY SHIT THATS A LOT OF MONEY.


Notation of Time

There are only two ways to note time:
24h-system: A day has 24 hours, much more than only 12.
12h-system: A day is divided in only 12 hours, but there are two kinds of days which alternate, dark ones and bright ones. To see if it's dark or bright, there are two letters on the clocks "am" and "pm". These stand for "Amazing Mandarin" and "Putrid Mandarin." It's unknown who invented the terms, but that individual was clearly intoxicated at the time.
A 24h-day begins at 00:00 and ends at 24:00 which is actually the same. A 12h-day begins at 01:00 am/pm as am/pm is changing then. Intelligent people use the 24h-system, as they can count higher than a dozen. Consequently, fat people also can count higher than a dozen, and use the 24hr system-as well. Studies have shown that idiots with not enough time use the 12hr-System because they believe 2 12hr days are better than only 1 24hr days. There is a reason we call them idiots.
It is said that the day would have 36 hours, but the gods thought it would be very funny to watch people running around everyday.



Other Theories about Time and its Relations

There have been Theories that time does not really exist. This is because in order to measure time, you need a clock. In order for that clock to work, it has to exercise some kind of movement, therefore time is dependent on Movement, and not the other way around. Therefore Time=Movement and Movement=Time. Quite simple actually, take following example for example just to put one example:

If there was no movement, then a clock could not work and therefore it could not measure time and therefore time would not exist anymore. This is the ultimate Proof that Time does indeed not exist. Movement is the real 4th dimension. Time is just the Result if you put the 3 dimensions together with Movement.

So basically if you want to know what Time(Movement) it is, you would have to ask: excuse me, would you mind telling me what Movement it is? instead of excuse me, would you mind telling me what Time it is?

TIME has an integral part in the proof that Girls are Evil. Without TIME's part in all this, girls would still be sugar and spice and everything nice.

• The Proof

Now we all know that:

and that

Time = Money

therefore

Now we all know that:

 ()

Therefore:

and

Girls = Evil

Friendship

Friendship is a vague human concept based on mutually beneficial interactions between two entities. Two humans are said to achieve friendship if they have amicable relations or intimacies. However, it is theorised that friendships are not limited solely to humans, and despite denials by the UN, tales of these interspecies still exist. Often confused with friendship, the Friend Ship is a popular medium of transport in European countries. Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis.

Why Is Friendship Important???

Yes, they are. Without them, you would sink into the eternal pits of hell, where you would wallow in self-pity until the apocalypse. Many people without friends find life to be unbearable and often resort to suicide or worse. Scientists have been unable to pinpoint the exact purpose of friendship, but it is widely believed in the scientific community that friendsips repel black holes. However, some radicals link friendships and their subsequent carbon emissions to global warming. Many of these "scientists" have been burned at the stake for their heresy, but the theory is still prevalent in Some countries. Also, friendships serve as the only working currency in Algeria.

Non-Human Friendship

Although humans are the only beings thought to experience friendship, there have been several reported cases of friendship in cats. The first sighting of this was in Texas in 1997, when a local shopkeeper saw cats who she said were "Jackin' each other." The American government have vehemently denied reports that friendship exists in cats. George Bush addressed the issue in November 2006, saying, "If cats could be friends they wouldn't have to lick their own asses." Further controversy was sparked in 2001 when a man in Arizona claimed that he had experienced inter-species friendship with a cat. He claimed that his cat 'Nixon' would rub off him in a promiscuous manner as if trying to initiate friendship. The man was subsequently executed for his comments, which were seen as treasonous. This provides further evidence against the idea of interspecies friendships.

Let's Just Be Friends

"Let's just be friends" has been a popular excuse to not date someone since the early 1800s. It is generally used by females though a man will occasionally say it. Scientists and theologists are still pondering it's meaning when used by non-hetero guys, but thanks to a recent study in the female language, we have been able to roughly translate it from girl speak to plain English.

Let's just be friends "Well, I'm really hot, and you're just not as hot as me. So I want to keep you around for a while so I can torture you with all the stories of the men who are hotter than you that I sleep with. But I still love you, just not in the way you love me. But I would get you high, so I could sleep with you then deny it."

The same research tends to prove that straight guys who say the 4 magic words really are trying to tell girls: "You are so ugly I would never ... EVER ... sleep with you." Meanwhile German scientist claim this is not entirely false, but would be more accurately translated into: "I doubt even my dog would hump you... !!"

Answer from a DOC...

After reading my article on doctors one of the doctor i know told me the insight of doctors!! though nerds they seem fun so y dont i put it in her words..

It’s high time people realised that doctors, like the general population are “normal human beings”!!

There are various ways a person ends up getting into M.B.B.S,

·         Out of interest in acquiring knowledge about the human body and science of medicine.

·         To render social service, to save lives.

·         In compulsion, pressure from the parents, peers, siblings, etc.

It is indeed very rare to find a person getting into medicine with an ambition to earn money, because “quick money” is not possible in the land of medicine. Not that doctors don’t earn money, they do earn pretty much mind you, but it’s a slow and steady process, which takes a lot of patience and patients!!

“Money making” however becomes the top priority in  a doctor’s life as they go ahead from  becoming an M.B.B.S graduate to post graduates to super specialists and so on and so forth.(the process never ends)

There are a few things one has to keep in mind before getting into medicine that is, they should have ;

·         A lot of money or an ability to carry on the debts till one finishes studies, which mind you will take a long time.

·         Time, age and patience to wait.

·         Interest which tends to diminish with time.

·         To have the eagerness for continuous learning throughout their lives.

·         To combat stress, difficulties, to face and learn from your mistakes.

·         To be responsible for oneself and one’s every act.

·         To learn to let go off one’s ego most of the times.

As a person undergoes the training to become a doctor, he/she realises that money actually is a great deal in life after all, because he/she’s drowned in debts, and by the time he/she graduates to start earning to repay his debts, all of his peers are well settled and enjoying. Because of his age factor he has to earn fast and make a living, he has to start off somewhere which needs money again. And the process of continuous learning also needs a great deal of money. (The books itself cost a fortune).

The motto “live to serve” can be followed only if the person lives, which again needs money. Its mere stupidity to blame a doctor for asking money from the patient, after all they are trying to earn their bread and butter too. As for the cost of medicines, it’s not the doctor’s fault right? The cost of the radiological equipments, the operating instruments, the maintenance, all of it requires money again.

Well, and for those who think that “doctors are drug dealers with degree certificates from college” well, I’d say it’s either your ignorance or arrogance or just stupidity to think like that.

A doctor is not God! The reason for their extraordinary patience is because they are so immuned to the behaviour and antiques of the patients that they don’t tend to loose their nerve so easily.

Do you know that educated patients   are the silliest patience a doctor can have? Because they ask such obvious silly questions and behave so child like manner. For instance, here are some the silly questions they ask;

·         “Will it pain”?? When a doctor wants to give in injection.

·         The lady comes for an antenatal check up for her second pregnancy, when asked to produce her scan reports, she says “I forgot to bring it this time, can the previous pregnancy’s scan report do??”

·         “How can my blood pressure be high today? I took the tablet just yesterday”!

·         “How can it be girl? The last child was a girl so this time it has to be a boy right?!”

·         “why did you not inform us before that he’d get heart attack today, we could have called all our relatives”

One common and understandable question asked by almost everyone is, “when will I get cured, will I be fit as normal? How much time will it take to heal?” for this I have to tell you that every human body is as different from each other as their finger print, and their response to treatment varies too, so no doctor can be sure about their treatment. Well that’s why they call a doctor’s work as practice I suppose.

Why medicine is considered a very respectable profession?

Well, because here they deal with lives, as usual. I’m not saying that other profession is any less. Every profession has its own value. An engineer for example also deals with millions of lives, only in an indirect way.

This reminds me of a story where a mechanic asks a cardiologist, “what’s the difference between me and you? You deal with t heart that runs the body and I repair the engine that runs a car? Then why are you paid so high?” for which the doctor replies, “try repairing the engine when its running and without letting it get off while repairing it” now that’s one way to look at it.

Doctors are meant to be perfect; they cannot afford to do any kind of mistake. They have a humungous responsibility not only of the patient but of every person who is connected to the patient also. But then, a doctor is after all a human being, in some rare cases a doctor does a mistake, either in analysing a situation or in negligence of a case. But like I said, it’s rare.

Why all the documentation?

There has been a huge hue and cry about registration of a case before taking any action. But it’s due to the public and the laws which have led to this situation.

I remember my senior telling me about this case which happened during his undergraduate days when a critically ill case who needed immediate operation came to the casualty, the duty doctor without any documentation and delay explained the situation and need for operational intervention to the bystanders and ordered to shift the patient  to operation theatre. The bystanders agreed. But unfortunately the patient expired on the way to the theatre. And just because of improper documentation, the bystanders refused to have been asked for any opinion and filed a case against the doctor and literally destroyed the whole hospital into bits and pieces.

I remember another case where in a little girl who had a major abdominal infection was getting operated, but during the operation the surgeon realised that the focus of infection was from the girl’s uterus and the girl could be saved only if her uterus was removed, so he went ahead and removed it. On realising this parents filed a case on the doctor accusing him for spoiling the girl’s life. They however didn’t win the case, but then this is an example which shows how much important a small documentation is. There are hundred other cases like this, which puts the doctor’s job in risk, so they need to maintain the records and consider that before taking any action on any case.

I would not generalise these statements though. Because I know many doctors who have been a shame to the profession. Who follow unethical practices, who work for only money and have selfish intentions in their treatment. And I have also seen many doctors also who resist the greed of money and work for mere service and satisfaction for serving the mankind. So there are people of every spectrum present in the community.

But somehow it’s a human tendency have satisfaction by making fun of other’s misery, or somehow make a joke out of successful people. Like the saying goes, “the tree with the sweetest fruits gets hit by the maximum number of stones”.

So when I googled “doctors” in the internet, I realised there a zillion articles and blogs on doctors, and almost all of them are the ones making fun of., and swearing at doctors. So I realised one thing, these articles are written by:-

 People who are unemployed, jobless, have no insight, and are jealous of the success of doctors.

· People who are so insecure about their job that they feel inferior to this noble profession.

·People who have no respect what-so-ever for either their profession or any other profession.

· People who have been blinded by the mere un-intelligent conclusions drawn from the various situations encountered.

· People who want to follow the crowd because of inability to make an opinion of their own.

·  People who want gain popularity for their article by writing something that the public readers will relish and are mere cowards to write an honest opinion.

· T·hose unfortunate people who have actually had a bad experience with an un-ethically practising doctor.

 And the reasons why doctors don’t protest or write articles where they can explain about their lives and write the truth about the profession are because;

·   The doctors are too busy either studying or practising.

·   Doctors know their truth and don’t need to write it or explain it to the public as to why what and how they do things.

·    Everybody knows that no matter how much anyone mocks at the doctors, they are real heroes in their own ways, and people will have to come finally to their refuge to have a healthy life.

Global Warming

Global warming is an issue on which humankind has come to unanimous agreement with unprecedented speed. The Earth is warming, or else it's cooling, or else it's not doing either very fast. If left unchecked, this will lead to the destruction of civilization and believe me this is not “ the increase in heat that happens every year in the spring and continues through summer”
The main cause of global warming is the well-known poisonous gas carbon dioxide. There is more of it in the air than there used to be, we know that combustion, smokestacks, and buttholes emit it, and we know that flasks containing pure carbon dioxide get pretty fricking hot. Thus, a human-caused apocalypse.  (Human causation is bullshit due to the fact that all the other planets in our solar system are experiencing comparable climate changes.)


Scientists first observed global warming in 1895. Then in 1920 they said it was global cooling. Then in 1935 they said there was global warming, but then in 1975 they said it was the verge of a new Ice Age but then it became global warming again. But that is all old news. Let's stop talking about discredited work and move on to the real cause of it,
Essentially, every human contributes to the global crisis, unless he or she:

• Doesn't exhale
• Doesn't pass gas
• Doesn't eat the meat of an animal that exhales or passes gas
• Doesn't eat vegetables either--you know they give you gas
• Doesn't cook anything
• Doesn't travel anywhere in a car, truck, plane, or boat
• Doesn't use electricity.

Specifically at fault are everyone with a computer (yes, YOU), Cars with the peeing peeping dog sticker. 
Everyone must manage his "carbon footprint." Fortunately, this exercise is less time-consuming than brushing two times a day, requires less determination than one needs to quit smoking, and is less frustrating than learning table of 8.

As every problem has a solution, there are many possible ways to stop global warming 

1. Keeping earth in a Giant cooler (  Dr.Evil would laugh at this idea too so we should think of something effective)
2. Breathing, much like eating and drinking, has been shown to increase CO2 emissions. Most experts agree that being taxed for the air we breathe is a legitimate way to reduce global warming. Engineers have devised a coin-operated valve that could be attached to bodily orifices.
3. Existing is commonly cited as the most influential cause of global warming. Fortunately, eco-friendly groups such as Al-Qaeda help cut down on existing. Existence is predicted to reach an all-time low by 2012.
4. Instead of reducing carbon-di-oxide we can reduce the other component of it i.e oxygen. After all, if there were no oxygen, the human race wouldn't exist, and obviously human-caused global warming would not be happening.
5.  We need to find a way to get rid of the cars. What immediately comes to mind is Venice, Italy. They NEVER use cars. Ever. And why don’t they use cars? Water. Lots and lots of water everywhere you look. So we need to follow their example and fill our streets with water.
   Where could we get such large volumes of water? Sea voyagers and explorers have discovered, on both poles of the earth, large quantities of frozen water. It's just sitting there and not being put to use. So, we need to find a way to melt them.
   The perfect way is to burn as much fossil fuel as possible, so as to increase the temperature of the globe. This will raise the height of the ocean, and, consequently, fill the streets of coastal cities worldwide, with liberating, problem-solving, 100% natural water. Once the streets are filled with water, they’ll be just like Venice; no carbon emissions. They can get around in boats. And there, the problem is solved. No more global warming!

Things you can do to tackle Global Warming

New studies have found helpful things you can do to tackle global warming:

1. Turn on your A/C units with the doors open.
2. Don't use regular weed killer, use DDT.
3. Have a tyre fire blazing at all times on your property.
4. Heat your house with electric heaters. There is no pollution, is there?
5. Buy an SUV, and never turn the engine off. Trips taken when the engine is hot take less fuel than if the engine is cold.
6. Desert civilization and start living off the land again. (This means no computers, okay?)
7. Enter a 'Warm Age.'
8. Go to Windows Task Manager, select Globalwarming.exe and click End Process.
9. Drop a giant ice cube into the sea.
10. Stick a cork in the butthole of every cow and pig.
11. Open the cold water tap, and never close it.
12. Fill a bottle with water before you throw it away. This will prevent sea-level rise.
13. Never close the refrigerator door.
14. Leave all the lights in your house on at all times.
15. Definitely don't figure out a way to pump CO₂ out of the atmosphere. It's far more efficient to go back to the stone age.
16. Burn down every local gas station so there is none left for the selfish bastards in cars to use.
17. Instead of eating meat, try babies.
18. Take off your shoes. You may not leave a carbon footprint at all, and if you do, it will surely be smaller.
19. When you are walking make grand flying motions with your arms to cool down the air around you.

None of these things are guaranteed to slow down or stop further global warming. Scientists can be wrong. Who gets tomorrow's weather forecast wrong most of the time?!

Doctors

A doctor is nothing more than a drug dealer with a college degree . It should also be noted that doctors are paid to be cruel and are frequently torture hobbyists, who like to poke people with sharp objects, administer nasty tasting medications, give enemas, and do other things that cause previously normal people to look like trees and feel like potential violent criminals. In fact, the people they treat are called "patients" for putting up with their sadistic experiments and cruel acts. A more accurate term is victims. A doctor has to say a "hypocritical oath," which means that they can nag you about your own eating habits while being a lardass him/herself. So, forget about anatomy and forget about diseases - if you're really ill, don't waste your money; pop some DayQuills and a GinTonic and you're far better off. Doctors should ONLY be consulted when you need to get high. So, now to the essentials - how to get cheap dope from 'em. Often, doctors give head to patients to ease their pain and distract their mind from seeing minge.

DOCTORS HATE THEIR PATIENTS

You need to understand and embrace this concept. I have personally heard doctors referring  to their patients as "hoopleheads" and "that A-hole out in the waiting room." The sooner you come to terms with this the quicker you will understand the concept of "the rectal exam" as well as other painful medical procedures. You really don't think they know how much it hurts? They've gone to college longer than you've been alive - of course they know it hurts. Thats why they do it. Aside from that, it's a smashing good way to make a living if anyone happen to be sadistic by nature. 

Doctors like to hurt you, and here are some tools of their trade:

• Rubber gloves. They are the worst because when you hear them snap on, you almost scream in fear.

• Speculum. Females know about this one! It is a tool made for causing pain. And, the doctor uses this tool while wearing rubber gloves!

• Needles. You are laying on the exam table and you feel a chill as you see the gloves go on. You begin to sweat in fear as the doctor prepares you for the injection. He tells you to relax and that you will not feel a thing. Then he stabs your ass with a three inch needle. Yeah...

• Proctoscope. Guys, you know what I am talking about...

The Doctors Will....

• give you zombifying drugs helping you stand a few more crappy years in a lethal environment

• prescribe painful, rectally administered procedures

• Tell you to relax and that you won't feel a thing, then hurt you so bad you scream in pain

When the Doctor is wrong

if this is the case and they have diagnosed you incorrectly therefore given you the wrong medication, then you will either die or suffer from ihatedoctors syndrome.

Engineering & Engineers

The sole purpose of engineering is to take a simple task and make it difficult.

It is also found that Engineering is a common genetic disorder which (like color blindness) is most commonly manifest among males and has recently mutated into a form able to infect the female population.

Engineering can be opted only when you are mentally weak and only those people choose this danger who want to end up their life.

The main characteristics and behavious of engineers

 Include impaired physical coordination, stunted muscle growth, inability to, use commas effectively, spelling and grammatical incompetence, linguistic employment of sophisticated incomprehensible techno-jargon, impaired social skills, and an obtuse ignorance of all fashion rules. This combination of mental, physical and social dysfunctions has often been compared to other disabilities.

Engineering can be opted only when you are mentally weak and only those people choose this danger who want to end up their life.

Engineers are a strange specimen who ensure your roof does not fall on your head, they do this by ensuring any structural stability is promptly removed (their favorite way of doing this is by destroying any supporting members in a building, preferably with an axe or dead beaver).

Engineers are descended from geologists and are one of the few living examples of 'backwards evolution'. Some say that removing all reasoning skills, common-sense, relevant and useful intelligence and all social and communication skills from a Geologist will usually result in the creation of a true 'Engineer'. However, this ignores the fact that typical engineers can actually do mathematics, whereas geologists are better known for their ability to drink beer and eat granola bars simultaneously. Thus their entry criteria differ.

An increasing number of 'Engineers' are self-styled and the result of an obsession to join the very popular and largely superfluous 'Engineering Fraternity'. To qualify as one of these 'new generation' engineers, one needs only to add the word 'Engineer' after any job title. There are no restrictions and is typically limited only to the imagination. Some popular and common examples include: Waste Disposal Engineer (garbage dump attendant), Mechanical Engineer (grease monkey/mechanic), Electrical Engineer (electrician), Aerospace Engineer (contraption inventor), Maintenance Engineer (janitors & council workers), Safety Engineer (cross-walk attendant), Production Engineer (factory worker), Livestock Processing Engineer (slaughterhouse gun-man), Stock Control Engineer (shelf packer), Petroleum Engineer (ExCel Spreadsheet Operator), Mining Engineer (Sandbox Enthusiast), Domestic Engineer (housewife or househusband).

Engineers are rarely found in the presence of any other animals, and generally fear human contact. When forced to, engineers will group together and exhibit meager signs of friendship, though it is generally believed that this is strictly a survival instinct, and that no engineer actually wants to be friends with anybody other than their calculator.

Many engineers - oftentimes the ones that barely complete their engineering degrees - enjoy a good rousing chorus of song. One especial such chant is as follows

We are, we are

We are the engineers

We can, we can

Demolish forty beers

Drink rum, drink rum

And come along with us

For we don't give a damn

For any damn man

Who won't give a damn for us

Engineers believe that the Ritualistic Sacrifice of a building or other public asset every decade or so, through it collapse, will bring about a new age where they will be able to exhibitCharisma. There is much confusion amongst members of the public who mistakenly believe structural collapse, even when minor, is the result of incompetence or hubris of the engineer

Student Engineer

Student Engineers, or Engineering Students, are the young, developing engineer. They spend many hours on getting drunk and watching Sci-fic Movies. These future engineers also spend much of their time unwashed except when doing the latter of the above. It is also a fact that In their first few years of life, student engineers are amongst the laziest, most apathetic people on the planet, even more so than gypsies.

Freshman students often transform into engineers after wandering into buildings at their college campus at night after heavy drinking. Typically 5 to 6 years later, they will emerge from the same building they were last seen entering. Approximately 30% survive the gestation period, the remaining 70% can usually be found either in business schools or bars, sometimes both. Outside of the engineering building (the nest) student engineers are easily recognized when they leave the building as they travel in herds of other engineers and make jokes that no one outside of the group understands.

Little Known facts about engineers

• Engineers may be able to hold a pen, but spelling is certainly beyond their abilities. If they have to identify themselves in writing, the result is invariably injuneer.
• The World Society For Written Communication found engineers to have the writing and grammar skills of a mentally challenged chimpanzee
• The Female to Male ratio among Engineers is approximately 1:e^888888888 which contributes to their dwindling numbers in the wild. It is a common misconception that there are no female engineers. This is not the case. They simply look so alike as to be utterly indistinguishable. It's the beards.
• All offspring of Engineers mutate to become anything other than Engineers at first sight of their parents.
• The main difference between a Pig and an Engineer is that a Pig does not turn into an Engineer when it gets drunk.
• A recent world-wide study of more than seventeen engineers found 9/10 of them are ashamed to admit they're an engineer, preferring instead to tell others they are janitors, groundsmen, school teachers or pimps, among others.